The Haunted Writing Clinic Battle Begins!

The battle for minions is about to begin! And I kneel before the evilness of the Super-Villains and offer up my plea to them!

Okay, not really since I am really, really sick and in bed. But the imagery was great in my head. Hands thrown up in the air and desperate cries for them to take me under their inky wings...

Did I mention I'm sick and might have a fever? That being said, I'm attempting to do this while not quite myself so if you guys see any typos or sentences that end up reading "Mara likey ice cream" then please, let me know so I can fix it before the Super Villains drop by.

The Haunted Writing Clinic: First Page (v2)

We meet again, fellow Minions and Super-Villains! After a busy week, I am trying to play catch up with the writing clinic. I am seriously hoping to finish critiquing the first pages that are out there, but in an effort to show you guys I am listening I decided to start my catch up session by doing some revisions on my first page.

Before I get to it, I want to thank each and every one of you for your comments. There might be some changes that I decided against making (and truth be told I might not even stick with this version of the first page--I'm just toying with it right now) but I do appreciate your input.

And now for the revisions (which I am totally writing by the seat of my pants right now):