The Unofficial GUTGAA Small Press Query Hop

Some of us intending to enter the Small Press Pitch Contest are partaking in another blog hop for the purposes of critiquing one another's queries. So here is mine! (By the way, it's also the one I am planning on sending out to an agent if I can cut it back a bit. With my personalized "Why I chose you" paragraph it runs at 416 words!)

Edit with completely brand spanking new version that puts Zelene--who is really the hero of the story so far--in the limelight a lot more. Trying to incorporate all of the critiques I have gotten so far. You guys are more amazing than I can say (and for a writer who loves her words that is something, isn't it?) and I would be completely lost at this without you guys! Thank you and keep the critiques coming!

New Version:

Dear Small Press Goddess,

Prophecies are no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo, as Zelene would say. She likes to remind people that Y2K came and went without the world ending, and, yes, the world will continue to spin after the Mayan calendar ends. She does not realize she is part of an ancient prophesy of five girls born into a powerful bloodline that would bring about the end of a generations-long power struggle among worlds. She is not even aware of worlds beyond this one.

Zelene learns of the destiny the prophecy demands of her and the family she was separated from as an infant when she is ripped from the world she has known her whole life and dragged back to the one of her birth. She is reunited one by one with the other three girls but she finds that the twin sister she has never met is notably absent. Ariana has been captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her in order to gain her powers and Zelene can’t help but shudder at how easily she could have ended up in Ariana’s shoes. When she questions the lack of rescue efforts, she receives what she refers to as a verbal pat on the head from the elders. They tell her to focus on learning the ways of their world and how to tap into her own magic, but Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

Zelene realizes what is at stake. She knows that without Ariana as the fifth, the foretold peace and healing of the worlds cannot come to pass, and the war will spill over into the world she has known as home. She knows she has to find a way to ignite the power locked within herself to save Ariana, or she risks leaving the fates of millions to a vague prophecy and the arcane politics that brought about the war in the first place.

HEIRS OF WAR is an adult [or new adult depending who I am querying] fantasy novel complete at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.


Old Version:

Dear Small Press Goddess,

Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist marks her as the foretold fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds and the key to an ancient prophecy.

Ariana leads a normal life for a girl on the cusp of adulthood; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that sounds like the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.

Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene returns to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail, leaving the worlds to be ripped apart by war. Thrown into an unfamiliar world full of magical races of people and politics they don't understand, they must find a way to ignite the powers within them and decide whether or not to rescue their missing sister on their own or leave it all to fate and vague prophecies. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?

HEIRS OF WAR is an adult fantasy novel at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, suspense, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.

Writerly Freedom

Now before I start this post, let me just preface it by saying I love my series Heirs of War. I'm on the third of five books mapped out in my head and it is an epic story that has a special place in my heart. But...it is also an extremely complicated story. There's political intrigue, wars, magic, other races, racial tension, love stories, FIVE freaking main characters and about twenty other important characters, growth of every single character, plots, subplots, etc. I've had to spend a lot of time mapping things out and plotting the plots of each character carefully. I've had to do research and create these races, create the magic system, the government...There's been a whole lot more planning than actual writing. But it's necessary to make it what it is. Which I hope to be good.

I've decided to take a breather from my series though. Book three just wasn't jiving for me. So I decided to work on my queries and editing. I never planned on writing a different book entirely that had nothing to do with my series. But here I am, 5k in and loving every minute of it.

The book I am currently writing is pretty far outside of my comfort zone. For one, it is really and truly young adult. The main character is sixteen. Heirs of War is New Adult through and through. The main characters ages range from seventeen (which quickly turns to eighteen) to twenty four. Those ages feel more familiar to me. I can relate to those ages better. So trying to remember what it was like to be sixteen is a bit of a struggle. Another reason it is outside of my comfort zone is because it has absolutely no magic in it whatsoever. There's parallel dimensions, but no magic. I'm a big fantasy geek so my instinct always leans towards magic of some kind in whatever I write.

The last reason this new WIP is so far outside of my comfort zone? Well, that's the biggest one. It is a first person narrative. I'm not even a big fan of reading first person narratives. I find them very limiting. Did I like Hunger Games? Sure. But I think it would have been better as a third person pov because then we'd see a lot more. I might have even liked the books beyond Twilight if they'd been third person. Maybe Bella wouldn't have been so annoying to me in book two if that had been the case. Maybe.

But I digress. Even thought this new WIP is so far outside my comfort zone as a writer, I also find it incredibly freeing. It's a simple standalone book. No series. No magic. No extreme plotting necessary. I have the beginning, middle, and end vaguely outlined in my head and that's really all I need. Then I just sit down and pants it. And 5k into it, I'm pretty pleased with how it's going. And the best part is I am pretty sure my word count will end up being around 70k. If you follow this blog, you know how word count tends to be the bane of my existence. Well, one of them. I like to say a lot of things outside of the actual writing are the bane of my existence, which those of you who follow this blog probably know already.

I planned on writing this new WIP (tentatively titled "Life As I Know It" but I suck at naming things, so it will probably get renamed. Heirs of War was original called The Circle or Sisters of The Circle. My genius friend renamed it to Heirs of War.) for NaNoWriMo. Since I've been writing it for 2 days and already have 5k, I get the feeling that it will be finished by then and I'll end up going back to book three. But I think this might be exactly what I need to get me past the hump that I hit with book three. It's renewing my love of writing and the freedom and cathartic feelings that come along with creating something new.

You Might Be Your Own Fangirl If...

1. Your little writerly heart goes pitter-patter when your favorite 'ship in your book gets "a moment".
2. You start crying when your beta-readers start discussing your book in front of you with the passion and zest of the fangirl trapped inside you.
3. You can't resist the urge to join in on said passionate discussion about your characters and your book as if you are NOT the writer.
4. Your cover artist sends you test shots and you are unable to give any professional feedback due to the overwhelming urge to run around your house squeeing like the fangirl you truly are.
5. You know that your favorite 'ship gets really complicated in the next book. You refuse to write said book.
6. You grin like an idiot anytime someone blesses you out passionately about your book. Example: "You bitch! I was up until 3am reading your book and then you end it with a cliffhanger??"
7. You've never been so happy to be called a bitch in your life.
8. You can actually think of fanfiction for your own series and then have to remind yourself that it isn't fanfiction if you write it.

I could really go on and on with this but #4 is the one I am really struggling with right now. You guys should see these shots...deciding which one to put on the cover is going to be so tough. Maybe I should let my beta readers vote when the time comes. Still doing edits, so that time is a ways off but I am so excited that it is so hard to not post the test shots on here just for the shear purpose of sharing them with you guys.

Just know they are awesome. And I am my own fangirl. 

Tag! The Next Big Thing!

GUTGAA has been so amazing and it is only the second week! Why is it so amazing? Because I've met some awesome people and think I finally get Twitter. That being said, these wonderful new connections have led me to be tagged by the wonderful Jadzia (what an awesome name, right?) for The Next Big Thing! So...on with the questions!

What is the title of your book?
Heirs of War, Prophecy Ordained. Heirs of War is the series title.

Where did the idea come from?
Wowzers...it was almost ten years ago when this idea first came into fruition in my writerly head. I wanted to create a story about the spiritual relationship I shared with some of my family members as we all began to explore Paganism as a religion. It's more about the spiritual bond we all seemed to share at that exact moment in our lives--we were all so in sync that we seemed to represent each side of the pentacle (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit). Then I came up with the prophecy and it all sort of blossomed from there. I put the story aside for a good five years because it just wasn't flowing right and the characters didn't feel right and then last year I picked it back up, made some massive changes, and it all came together. Like magic.

What genre does your book fall under?
I was marketing it as Young Adult, but honestly I feel like New Adult Epic Fantasy works better. Why? Because these girls are going through a serious transition in their lives from being essentially carefree teens to literally having the weight of the worlds dropped onto their shoulders. They aren't kids anymore. They are growing into adults. They have responsibilities. And they don't just rise to the occasion--that sort of maturity and growth doesn't come overnight. It is a challenge and that is the heart of the books is watching these girls as they grow into their leadership roles. Also, age comes into play. While the twins are seventeen (almost eighteen) when the story starts, the other girls are older. Rhaya is 19. Isauria is 20. Terrena is 24. And by the end of the series I think the twins will actually be around 20. Haven't mapped to book five yet, so don't quote me on that. :)

What actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie?
Picture time! This is actually part of my process. I "cast" the characters in my head and tweak the descriptions of the actors as needed to fit the characters better. I have a pretty big cast list (which you can view on my Pinterest account) but I am going to stick to just the people introduced in the chapters I posted on my blog.

Query Draft #3487

Not really, but sometimes it feels like it. I decided that due to my high word count and the fact that my MC's ages range between 17 and 24, I am going to tailor my query to the New Adult category rather than Young Adult. I know, I know, some agents don't accept NA as a category yet but luckily for me there's at least one at GUTGAA that does. So what do I need from my dozen or so readers? I need you guys to crit this new draft with a quickness. Because unless I am mistaken, the GUTGAA Pitch Contest entries start at 11am tomorrow. Which means I have tonight to get this new draft into better shape.

*gulp*

I opened up comments so that anyone can post their thoughts, even if you don't have a blog or Google ID. I know this was a problem for some people before. Let me know what you think of the new draft and the first 150 words that are not the prologue.

Things I changed:

• I tried to condense it more since it was a bit on the long side. However, now I feel like it is too vague.
• I tried to tighten up the first paragraph.
• I replaced the first 150 words with Chapter One instead of the Prologue.
• I tried to make it more obvious that Zelene is also a MC and not just random pronoun thrown at the reader.
• I tried to add a bit more about why the bad guys have the right ideas but wrong methods. 
• I took out the bit about the girls finding a way to come into their own power and rescue Ariana before time runs out. 
• No prologue since apparently they are the devil.

Dear (Agent),

Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Seventeen Magazine. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist mark her as the fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds foretold in an ancient prophecy. 

Ariana leads a normal life for a seventeen year old; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that belongs in the plot of the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.

Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene is taken back to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five, but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?

HEIRS OF WAR, PROPHECY ORDAINED is a new adult fantasy novel with elements of suspense, action, political intrigue, and romance. Fans of the SWORD OF TRUTH series might also enjoy HEIRS OF WAR, PROPHECY ORDAINED.

 
Thank you for your time and consideration with this project.

First 150:

The football stadium was still littered with kids when Varrick got there. His chest lifted as he sucked in a breath and suppressed a growl at the same time. This part of his job always frustrated him. He understood that Ariana was seventeen and therefore entitled to a certain amount of angst, but he hated having to deal with it. They had bigger problems to deal with. Of course, she was blissfully ignorant of them.

He scanned the stadium through his dark sunglasses, trying to assess where she would be. A group of girls were running on the track that encircled the grass of the stadium, ponytails bouncing as they chatted with one another. When he noticed the cheerleaders edging the track, he knew where she would be and marched over.

He cocked a brow as the girls began chanting in time with their moves. Sure enough, directly in front of them in the stands stood Ariana with camera in hand, snapping away pictures.

Writing is Hard...Writing Queries is Harder

As Gearing Up to Get an Agent Blogfest and Pitch Contest starts (see cool looking icon to the right of your screen), I am once again asking myself the same question...

How do you write a clear and concise query letter about a MS that is YA (potentially New Adult) epic fantasy with five main characters? Oh, and it also happens to only be the first of a five book series. Not a potential series. A definite series. As in, there's really no way the reader would finish this book and say "Ah, this story is over."

The answer so far? *headdesk*

I've stripped my query down as far as I think it can go. Problem with that? The assumption is that since it is YA, there's one main character (Ariana) and that the stuff in the query about Zelene (her twin and one of the co-main characters) is just filler. It's not. Ariana and Zelene take center stage of this book, so I gave them the focus of the query and didn't name the other three girls that are ALSO main characters. I can't strip the query of Zelene because Ariana's story literally depends on Zelene. The same goes for the reverse. Also, my word count is too high. Which I know and am working on, but still. I doubt there's any way I'll be able to cut it from 146k down to 70k.

I'm thinking maybe I need to rework the query as New Adult for the Pitch Contest. Then maybe I can throw in some more about the political intrigue, which I left out when tailoring it to be YA. I know a lot of people say agents don't accept New Adult yet, but it might be worth it to try.  It's certainly better than banging my head against the desk.