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Friday, September 21, 2012
The Unofficial GUTGAA Small Press Query Hop
Some of us intending to enter the Small Press Pitch Contest are partaking in another blog hop for the purposes of critiquing one another's queries. So here is mine! (By the way, it's also the one I am planning on sending out to an agent if I can cut it back a bit. With my personalized "Why I chose you" paragraph it runs at 416 words!)
Edit with completely brand spanking new version that puts Zelene--who is really the hero of the story so far--in the limelight a lot more. Trying to incorporate all of the critiques I have gotten so far. You guys are more amazing than I can say (and for a writer who loves her words that is something, isn't it?) and I would be completely lost at this without you guys! Thank you and keep the critiques coming!
New Version:
Dear Small Press Goddess,
Prophecies are no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo, as Zelene would say. She likes to remind people that Y2K came and went without the world ending, and, yes, the world will continue to spin after the Mayan calendar ends. She does not realize she is part of an ancient prophesy of five girls born into a powerful bloodline that would bring about the end of a generations-long power struggle among worlds. She is not even aware of worlds beyond this one.
Zelene learns of the destiny the prophecy demands of her and the family she was separated from as an infant when she is ripped from the world she has known her whole life and dragged back to the one of her birth. She is reunited one by one with the other three girls but she finds that the twin sister she has never met is notably absent. Ariana has been captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her in order to gain her powers and Zelene can’t help but shudder at how easily she could have ended up in Ariana’s shoes. When she questions the lack of rescue efforts, she receives what she refers to as a verbal pat on the head from the elders. They tell her to focus on learning the ways of their world and how to tap into her own magic, but Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.
Zelene realizes what is at stake. She knows that without Ariana as the fifth, the foretold peace and healing of the worlds cannot come to pass, and the war will spill over into the world she has known as home. She knows she has to find a way to ignite the power locked within herself to save Ariana, or she risks leaving the fates of millions to a vague prophecy and the arcane politics that brought about the war in the first place.
HEIRS OF WAR is an adult [or new adult depending who I am querying] fantasy novel complete at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.
Old Version:
Dear Small Press Goddess,
Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist marks her as the foretold fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds and the key to an ancient prophecy.
Ariana leads a normal life for a girl on the cusp of adulthood; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that sounds like the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.
Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene returns to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail, leaving the worlds to be ripped apart by war. Thrown into an unfamiliar world full of magical races of people and politics they don't understand, they must find a way to ignite the powers within them and decide whether or not to rescue their missing sister on their own or leave it all to fate and vague prophecies. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?
HEIRS OF WAR is an adult fantasy novel at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, suspense, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.
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The second half of this reads like a synopsis, you might want to address that.
ReplyDeleteProphecies are overrated. To Ariana they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Seventeen Magazine. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist marks her as the foretold fifth daughter of a powerful bloodline and the key to an ancient prophecy.
I guess my question is why would she even have such a strong opinion on prophecies if she doesn't know she's involved in one? I like the second line because it's a good show of her and how she thinks but it doesn't make sense to me if I think about her character.
Ariana leads a normal life for a girl on the cusp of adulthood; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth.
The way this is phrased a normal life is being ignorant of her sisters. I think you need to separate this out into two sentences. You might even combine the thought with the next sentence.
She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene.
I don’t know that you need to name the sister here.
Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that belongs in the plot of the most tragic of Lifetime movies.
I don't think you need this line.
The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.
Again, not sure you need the name of the planet, generally the less proper names the better.
Here's a pass, not sure if this'll work for you, just a suggestion/base for you to jump off of:
Prophecies are so old school. To Ariana the idea that there are prophecies that people believe is harder to swallow than the horoscopes in the back of Seventeen Magazine. Something she admits to reading but never putting much faith in.
Ariana knows nothing of her twin, her home world or the war they are destined to end. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist marks her as one of the keys to an ancient prophecy.
All that changes when both girls are plucked from their old existence and thrust into a world at war, one they, with three other girls of their generation are destined to end. But, while her twin is united with her birth family, Ariana is captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her. Thrown into an unfamiliar world full of magic and creatures beyond their wildest dreams, they must find a way to ignite the powers within them. Or decide whether to leave it all to fate and vague prophecies.
But how can they leave things alone when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas?
HEIRS OF WAR is a new adult fantasy novel at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, suspense, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.
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Just one opinion take what works and pitch the rest.
Thank you for your ideas! You know, out of everyone that has looked at this, you are the only person to point out the glaringly obvious fact that the girls wouldn't have strong opinions on prophecy necessarily.
DeleteI retailored it based on another critique that pointed out that Ariana is more of a plot device in this query than the MC. Zelene is the hero, so I let her take complete focus. Thanks for the encouragement on Twitter and feel free to let me know what you think of the new version!
Hey Mara,
ReplyDeleteI like the 1st paragraph but the 2nd can be improved. I’d change “learns these things” to something more specific—preferably something involving action. I don’t know what “ripped from the world” means and since you’ve used the word “world” a few times already, I’d probably change that anyway. Has she been on Earth (the mentions of Cosmo magazine + Y2K indicate that she’s been on Earth)? What country? Go for a detail. Are the “other three girls” her sisters? Has she met them before? Does “her twin sister” mean Zelene’s twin sister (the pronoun is a little vague due to all the sisters)? At this point (1/2 way through paragraph 2), I still don’t know what world we’re on or anything about it. Man. I’m glad I didn’t write a story that takes place in a fantasy or sci-fi world. I don’t know how you can do this in 250ish words. Anyway, what power does Z have?
I think in paragraph 2, I’d concentrate on what she FEELS as a result of being whisked away to a new world, meeting her sisters, finding out she has a twin who is lost/in peril, etc. That way I’d have a stronger connection to Z and what she’s all about. Also, I would then understand her motive for wanting to save her twin (because right now I’m not sure they’ve ever met and she might have a lot of other stuff going on at the moment). The bit about her defying authority is good because that gives me a sense of her character.
In paragraph 3, are the “people she’s supposed to trust” the elders or her sisters or both? Instead of saying they are “not so good” use one word. “Deceitful?” “Treacherous?” I don’t know. Also, I have no idea what the two sides “not so good” and “not so bad” are fighting over.
This is hard! Your story sounds cool, but how can you manage it in so little space? I hope my ramblings help. Good luck!
-Craig Schmidt
Your ramblings always help, Craig! I reworked paragraph 2 with that in mind and changed the beginning "War" to "power struggle". And thank you--it is SO hard to manage it! Epic fantasy is hard to query because of the limit. There's a certain amount of world-building you have to do in the query (at least I think and judging from crits I've received) or it doesn't make sense. Example: I'd love to elaborate on just how Zelene is ripped from this world because it's this magic portal with basically all of the elements pulling at you at the same time and it is a great "WTF?" moment for her. But alas, space mocks me. :D Let me know what you think and thanks again for your help!
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