The Haunted Writing Clinic Battle Begins!

The battle for minions is about to begin! And I kneel before the evilness of the Super-Villains and offer up my plea to them!

Okay, not really since I am really, really sick and in bed. But the imagery was great in my head. Hands thrown up in the air and desperate cries for them to take me under their inky wings...

Did I mention I'm sick and might have a fever? That being said, I'm attempting to do this while not quite myself so if you guys see any typos or sentences that end up reading "Mara likey ice cream" then please, let me know so I can fix it before the Super Villains drop by.

The Haunted Writing Clinic: First Page (v2)

We meet again, fellow Minions and Super-Villains! After a busy week, I am trying to play catch up with the writing clinic. I am seriously hoping to finish critiquing the first pages that are out there, but in an effort to show you guys I am listening I decided to start my catch up session by doing some revisions on my first page.

Before I get to it, I want to thank each and every one of you for your comments. There might be some changes that I decided against making (and truth be told I might not even stick with this version of the first page--I'm just toying with it right now) but I do appreciate your input.

And now for the revisions (which I am totally writing by the seat of my pants right now):

The Haunted Writing Clinic: First Page

Hello fellow Minions and Super Villains! Today marks the beginnings of the next stage of our eerie journey with Curiosity Quills: The First Page! My first page actually consists of a prologue, which I have been warned against giving as a "first page" for queries, so I am going to jump right ahead to the first chapter (if you want to see the prologue it is actually already posted on my blog here). So let's get to this, shall we?

Chapter One

The football stadium was still littered with kids when Varrick got there. His chest lifted as he sucked in a breath and suppressed a growl at the same time. This part of his job always frustrated him. He understood that Ariana was seventeen and therefore entitled to a certain amount of angst, but he hated having to deal with it. They had bigger problems to deal with. Of course, she was blissfully ignorant of them.

He scanned the stadium through his dark sunglasses, trying to assess where she would be. A group of girls were running on the track that encircled the grass of the stadium, ponytails bouncing as they chatted with one another. When he noticed the cheerleaders edging the track, he knew where she would be and marched over.

He cocked a brow as the girls began chanting in time with their moves. Sure enough, directly in front of them in the stands stood Ariana with camera in hand, snapping away pictures. She was wearing a dark blazer over a cream top, giving the same curtaining affect her jet black hair lent to the light skin of her face. She noticed him and lowered the camera, revealing a scowl. She sat down on the stands, digging around in her bag for another roll of film as he walked across the bleachers to stand before her. He felt the fear that had allowed him to track her fade, predictably shifting to anger. He glanced to the sky as if to ask for aid in dealing with the teenager and the temper she had inherited from her true mother.

"How'd you find me?" she asked briskly.

Varrick couldn't help but let out a gruff laugh. "You're the only teenager I know that sneaks out of the house to come back to school after hours." He didn’t bother to add that her fear of getting caught sneaking out served as a sort of honing beacon for him, allowing him to track her as long as they were on the same world. If she was scared, he would be able to find her. Fortunately for him, Ariana was a goody-two-shoes at heart and always scared of getting busted when she did something wrong. It had caused more than a few false alarms in her teenage years. Her twin sister, on the other hand, was on the opposite end of the spectrum. Zelene was too brave for her own good, rarely feeling real fear even when she was actually in trouble.

Needless to say, being Cyneward to the twins was a bigger job than he had imagined when he was called.

"Well," she said as she zipped her camera bag closed with a little too much force, "maybe I wouldn't have to sneak out if my freak show parents would loosen the reigns just a bit."

"I understand that you're mad at them—“

Her deep set lavender eyes snapped up to his. "They told you? Good. Now maybe you'll understand why I hate them so much."

He sighed, suppressing a groan as he took a seat on the stands beside her. He pulled off his sunglasses, revealing a set of Caribbean blue eyes that were both impatient and understanding at the same time. "Look, Ariana—“

"No," she interrupted, "you look! I have worked my butt off for the past four years so that I could get into a good college. A really good college, Varrick. Like NYU or UCLA. And now they aren't even going to let me apply! How unfair is that! I'm getting ready to turn eighteen and they think they can rule my life once I'm an adult! I hate them!"

He placed a calming hand on her shoulder. "No, you don't."

The Haunted Writing Clinic (Take 3)

Time for another query update! I'm going to jump straight into the query and then hit the notes of my changes after. Thank you for all of your help! You guys have been awesome!

Okay, after Jessy's comments I decided to revise again:




Zelene doesn't believe in magic or prophecies. When she's told that she is part of the prophecy that foretells five powerful girls bringing peace to the war-torn worlds, she scoffs. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.

Yet, she can't argue with what her own eyes have seen. Strange men had tried to kill her using magic and now she finds herself in a new world. Varrick, the warrior blood-bound to her for life, brings her before the elders of her homeworld. For every explanation they give her she is only left with more questions. And the burning desire to take the crown she supposedly inherited and shove it somewhere Varrick wouldn’t appreciate. When she learns that her long-lost twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels, Zelene’s tantrums are brought to a halt.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to run away from the responsibilities thrust on her young shoulders. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k with series potential that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.


Old Version:

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her homeworld by her guardian Varrick, who is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every explanation he gives her she is only left with more questions, like how he managed to hide a twin sister from her and where this supposed twin is. The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels. Content that Zelene is safe, the elders tell her to focus on her training and let them worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross-over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.

Notes:

1. I kept the line about the ages in because the twins are actually 18 and I'm a little worried about marketing it as adult and then being told "No, this is really YA" I'm open to discussions on this line of thought though since I am by no means an expert.

2. I took out all of the questions and rephrased them as her thoughts. They feel a little jumbled now. Much like my thoughts usually are. =D

3. I kept the last bits in there because without them...well, the query sort of just ends. I've had mixed reviews over it, so I am really hoping to hear more thoughts on it. I don't want to give too much away with the story, but this decision is sort of a catalyst for a lot of things that bleed over into the next book (it's already written). So that's why I refer to it as the climax. It is really the start of Zelene's journey. Deciding to go after her sister is half the battle.

4. I took out Estridia and Cahira. Does it still make sense?

5. I'm a little stuck on the intro. She finds out about the prophecy after she is attacked, so even as it is the events are still out of order. The point of the intro is to establish her voice and character. If believing horoscopes is beyond her realm of thinking then believing in a prophecy is going to be even worse, ya know? That's the point I'm trying to get across (but failing I think).

6. Nitpicky, maybe, but I'm not happy with the fact that I start two sentences with the word "But". Did it throw you too?

Okay, I think those are all of my thoughts. Now tell me yours! =D

The Haunted Writing Clinic (Take 2!)

Man, what a rush! I have so many wonderful people commenting on my query both from the Haunted Writing Clinic and just from other connections I've made. To say that I am grinning ear to ear is an understatement. You guys rock!

And I am listening to what you are saying! :) I've got a new draft cooked up and ready to go for you guys! Let me know what you think!

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her homeworld of Estridia by Varrick, her “cool uncle” that is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. Like how did he hide the fact that she has a twin sister? And where is she? The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebel Cahirans. They intend on killing the four girls and then sacrificing Ariana in a ritual meant to steal her power. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult (or New Adult depending on who I am submitting to) Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of the Game of Thrones series by George RR Martin and The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged between 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.  

The Haunted Writing Clinic: The Query

Dun-dun-dunnnn!

I decided to add yet another exciting October writerly activity to the list! Sharon Bayliss is hosting the Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest by Curiosity Quills. As a Minion (I really want a t-shirt that says "Minion" now), it is my duty to post my query for all to see today in the hopes of getting some feedback from the Super Villains and other minions. If you haven't joined up, I would highly recommend it. Week 1 is queries, Week 2 is all about first pages, Week 3 the Super Villains (who are already published authors) pick Minions to mentor, and then on the 31st we submit to the 3 Curiosity Quills editors for their viewing pleasure. Lots of fun!

And now that you know all about the Writing Clinic, it is time for me to participate! Here is my shiny new query, just waiting for the glorious cleaver of Robin Weeks (check out where she sliced and diced my old version--she's a genius and a huge help!) or maybe a new blade will step up to the plate. I've learned a great deal from GUTGAA (which I will save for another blog), but I always feel like there's more to learn. In short: Don't hold back!

UPDATE:

Taking all of your wonderful comments into account (Best. Feedback. Ever!) I have revised. Here is the new draft. I'll leave the old one below so new visitors can see.

NEW DRAFT:

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds.

Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to Estridia by Varrick, her “cool uncle” that is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. Like how did he hide the fact that she has a twin sister from her? And where is she?

The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebel Cahirans. They intend on killing the four girls and then sacrificing Ariana in a ritual meant to steal her power. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

 

OLD DRAFT
Dearest Person Reading This,

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo and would call you crazy if you told her that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.

She changes her tone when her foster-home is turned into a nightmare she barely escapes. She is whisked away by Varrick, the warrior blood bound to her for life, and taken to Estridia, the world of her birth. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. The prophecy speaks of five girls and three of these girls come in the form of an older sister and two cousins that Zelene is reunited with, leaving her wondering just who this fifth girl is and where she might be.

The answers leave her shaken. Ariana, the fifth, is Zelene’s twin sister and has been captured by the Cahirans, the enemies of Estridia that intend on sacrificing Ariana in order to gain her power. Unfortunately for them, the four other girls need to be dead for the ritual to work. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
 
Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult (or New Adult depending on who I am submitting to) Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of the Game of Thrones series by George RR Martin and The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged between 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.

Here's hoping,

Mara Valderran

Okay, my intro and outro might be a bit tongue-in-cheek but you get the drift. Before I leave it in your hands, let me address a few of the common problems people point out and get stuck on with my queries:

1. My word count is really high for a new author. You know this, I know this, and I've done my damndest to cut it (I shaved 12k off in the past two weeks! Yay!). Is it a roadblock for me? Sure. But it's one I am painfully aware of. 
2. My query is too long. After seeing my WC are you surprised? Yeah, I wasn't either. I like my words. This point, by all means get stuck on. I've tried condensing and cutting but that seems to make it too confusing. Condensing and being sparse with my words is obviously not a strong point for me as a writer. See how long this paragraph is already? Geez.
3. What kind of power/magic they have. I've tried to answer this with the whole "manipulating the elements" thing, but short of explaining their whole magic system I'm not sure I could make it any clearer than: A) They can control the elements a la Captain Planet; and B) These girls are much more powerful than anyone else. If those two points aren't clear, I really need to know. 

That's pretty much it for my preemptive...well, whatever this was. Now that I've said all of that, please note: I don't think my query is perfect and I give you leave to tear it apart in whatever way you can in the hopes of making it better. I just wanted to cover some points of confusion I've run into a few times.