Time for another query update! I'm going to jump straight into the query and then hit the notes of my changes after. Thank you for all of your help! You guys have been awesome!
Okay, after Jessy's comments I decided to revise again:
Zelene doesn't believe in magic or prophecies. When she's told that she is part of the prophecy that foretells five powerful girls bringing peace to the war-torn worlds, she scoffs. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.
Yet, she can't argue with what her own eyes have seen. Strange men had tried to kill her using magic and now she finds herself in a new world. Varrick, the warrior blood-bound to her for life, brings her before the elders of her homeworld. For every explanation they give her she is only left with more questions. And the burning desire to take the crown she supposedly inherited and shove it somewhere Varrick wouldn’t appreciate. When she learns that her long-lost twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels, Zelene’s tantrums are brought to a halt.
She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to run away from the responsibilities thrust on her young shoulders. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.
HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k with series potential that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.
Old Version:
Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. Almost.
When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her homeworld by her guardian Varrick, who is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every explanation he gives her she is only left with more questions, like how he managed to hide a twin sister from her and where this supposed twin is. The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels. Content that Zelene is safe, the elders tell her to focus on her training and let them worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.
She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.
HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross-over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.
Notes:
1. I kept the line about the ages in because the twins are actually 18 and I'm a little worried about marketing it as adult and then being told "No, this is really YA" I'm open to discussions on this line of thought though since I am by no means an expert.
2. I took out all of the questions and rephrased them as her thoughts. They feel a little jumbled now. Much like my thoughts usually are. =D
3. I kept the last bits in there because without them...well, the query sort of just ends. I've had mixed reviews over it, so I am really hoping to hear more thoughts on it. I don't want to give too much away with the story, but this decision is sort of a catalyst for a lot of things that bleed over into the next book (it's already written). So that's why I refer to it as the climax. It is really the start of Zelene's journey. Deciding to go after her sister is half the battle.
4. I took out Estridia and Cahira. Does it still make sense?
5. I'm a little stuck on the intro. She finds out about the prophecy after she is attacked, so even as it is the events are still out of order. The point of the intro is to establish her voice and character. If believing horoscopes is beyond her realm of thinking then believing in a prophecy is going to be even worse, ya know? That's the point I'm trying to get across (but failing I think).
6. Nitpicky, maybe, but I'm not happy with the fact that I start two sentences with the word "But". Did it throw you too?
Okay, I think those are all of my thoughts. Now tell me yours! =D
WOW! Your idea sounds great. I'd suggest you hyphenate 'blood-bound' in the second paragraph, I think it will read easier.
ReplyDeleteOther than that I'd say maybe hang on to the info about five MCs and 5 books for the series until you speak with potential agents/editors.
I'm under the strong impression that it's better to simply say the book has potential for a series
Plus, I hear that too many MCs can scare them off if they haven't had a chance to see the actual MS. They may need to see in person how smooth your transitions from one character to another are and how easy it is for the reader to keep track of them.
Kudos though on getting more than one book done, that's quite an accomplishment!
Good luck, I hope you have lots of fun with the Haunted Writing Clinic.
Whew, guery done, great job!
ReplyDeleteNow to next week and the first page. Wonder what the super villains have in store.
I think you got it! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the voice. Especially, "Screw the worlds. She's getting her sister back." Pure awesome sauce. I am a sucker for a character that follows her own decisions.
ReplyDeleteNice to see you've kept the last line. 'Screw the worlds' indeed.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Kelly about hyphenating 'blood-bound' as the beat of 'warrior blood bound' wobbled a touch on the first reading.
Good stuff. ^_^
I'm sorry to disagree with the last sentence. I know you said the main conflict of the story is centered around Zelene's struggle between becoming action orianted or staying stagnent, but I think it just gives way too much away and leaves me wondering why I should look any further when I know exactly what is going to happen (even though its not what is going the happen, the structure of your query makes it seem that it is the climax of the story rather than the turning point).
ReplyDeleteI agree with saying blood-bound. It reads a bit clunky in that area and I had to read that sentence twice because of the strange structure.
It reads perfectly fine without the proper nouns of the place :)
Now, here is the thing. The second sentence seems way to long. I lost my mind-breath reading it hahaha. I think instead of saying "predictions about your love life" you should just put 'horoscopes' or 'they'. You don't need to be so specfic when you just told us she laughs at the idea of horoscopes.
"she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds" This is also very clunky for me to read. I feel like there is a better way of putting this. LIke "horoscopes are almost as ridiculous as being part of a prophecy fortelling the five girls will end a power struggle between the worlds." I don't think we need to know it is a generations long war and that term just reads really awkwardly. In short, reading this first para and then reading your first page-I would've never thought the same person wrote it. And that's not a good thing.
For some reason I keep getting the feeling that what you are focusing on in your query reall isn't the driving plot. That may not be true, but I think the plot is getting lost somewhere. I think it is somewhere in the 'for every answer he gives her, she only has more questions' area. Its really not needed and the last line of the para throws you for a loop because you didn't even know Zelene had met elders or what she is training for.
THis all sounds very harsh, I realize, but you are SOOOOO close. Seriously, it is almost there. I just think something is getting lost in translation. Your first page is so good and I want your query to smack an agent in the face and say 'read my first page, damnit' Because your writing is definately there.
This is what I would change:
When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her true homeworld by her guardian Varrick, who is really a warrior blood-bound to her for life. He gives her over to the elders who expect her to stay safe and sound on her homeworld, training her erratic elemental magic. Right, like that is ever going to happen. Espeically after she finds out her long lost twin sister, Ariana, has been captured by rebels and will soon become the ultimate sacriface for power.
I think a second para like that will clear up any confusion in the third paragraph (and if it were me personally, I would take out the last two sentences of the area, ending with 'what brought about the war in the first place.' It may seem like an abrupt ending to you, but trust me when I say its the right kind of abrupt. The kind that makes you want to read more!
Thats my thoughts for now. Hope they helped!
Hehe Yeah, we're gonna have to agree to disagree on the last sentences. And I can actually totally understand why you would think that the query isn't the driving plot. Mainly because (with five main characters) there are plenty of driving plots. =D Zelene has the central storyline and her growth is the most important in this book, though. Which is why I chose to focus on her.
DeleteI decided to re-do the beginning completely because honestly I just wasn't sold on it. It seemed clever to me at first, but now it falls flat. (which sucks since I've sent this query out but oh well). Let me know what you think!
Thank you everyone! I've updated again in the hopes of, well, making it better! Thoughts are appreciated before I post as the final draft for the HauntedWCC!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh so much better!!! I can't even explain to you what your few tweaks did to your query. I like it so much better now! The only part I would take out is the word 'had' after strange people had tried to kill her. Other than that, I am happy with it!! Excellent job Mara. It read so much easier than the previous query and I get a much better sense of everything. I love it! Nice work!
DeleteOh my gosh so much better!!! I can't even explain to you what your few tweaks did to your query. I like it so much better now! The only part I would take out is the word 'had' after strange people had tried to kill her. Other than that, I am happy with it!! Excellent job Mara. It read so much easier than the previous query and I get a much better sense of everything. I love it! Nice work!
Delete