Time for another query update! I'm going to jump straight into the query and then hit the notes of my changes after. Thank you for all of your help! You guys have been awesome!
Okay, after Jessy's comments I decided to revise again:
Zelene doesn't believe in magic or prophecies. When she's told that she is part of the prophecy that foretells five powerful girls bringing peace to the war-torn worlds, she scoffs. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.
Yet, she can't argue with what her own eyes have seen. Strange men had tried to kill her using magic and now she finds herself in a new world. Varrick, the warrior blood-bound to her for life, brings her before the elders of her homeworld. For every explanation they give her she is only left with more questions. And the burning desire to take the crown she supposedly inherited and shove it somewhere Varrick wouldn’t appreciate. When she learns that her long-lost twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels, Zelene’s tantrums are brought to a halt.
She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to run away from the responsibilities thrust on her young shoulders. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.
HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k with series potential that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.
Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. Almost.
When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her homeworld by her guardian Varrick, who is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every explanation he gives her she is only left with more questions, like how he managed to hide a twin sister from her and where this supposed twin is. The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels. Content that Zelene is safe, the elders tell her to focus on her training and let them worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.
She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.
HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross-over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.
1. I kept the line about the ages in because the twins are actually 18 and I'm a little worried about marketing it as adult and then being told "No, this is really YA" I'm open to discussions on this line of thought though since I am by no means an expert.
2. I took out all of the questions and rephrased them as her thoughts. They feel a little jumbled now. Much like my thoughts usually are. =D
3. I kept the last bits in there because without them...well, the query sort of just ends. I've had mixed reviews over it, so I am really hoping to hear more thoughts on it. I don't want to give too much away with the story, but this decision is sort of a catalyst for a lot of things that bleed over into the next book (it's already written). So that's why I refer to it as the climax. It is really the start of Zelene's journey. Deciding to go after her sister is half the battle.
4. I took out Estridia and Cahira. Does it still make sense?
5. I'm a little stuck on the intro. She finds out about the prophecy after she is attacked, so even as it is the events are still out of order. The point of the intro is to establish her voice and character. If believing horoscopes is beyond her realm of thinking then believing in a prophecy is going to be even worse, ya know? That's the point I'm trying to get across (but failing I think).
6. Nitpicky, maybe, but I'm not happy with the fact that I start two sentences with the word "But". Did it throw you too?
Okay, I think those are all of my thoughts. Now tell me yours! =D