The Haunted Writing Clinic: The Query

Dun-dun-dunnnn!

I decided to add yet another exciting October writerly activity to the list! Sharon Bayliss is hosting the Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest by Curiosity Quills. As a Minion (I really want a t-shirt that says "Minion" now), it is my duty to post my query for all to see today in the hopes of getting some feedback from the Super Villains and other minions. If you haven't joined up, I would highly recommend it. Week 1 is queries, Week 2 is all about first pages, Week 3 the Super Villains (who are already published authors) pick Minions to mentor, and then on the 31st we submit to the 3 Curiosity Quills editors for their viewing pleasure. Lots of fun!

And now that you know all about the Writing Clinic, it is time for me to participate! Here is my shiny new query, just waiting for the glorious cleaver of Robin Weeks (check out where she sliced and diced my old version--she's a genius and a huge help!) or maybe a new blade will step up to the plate. I've learned a great deal from GUTGAA (which I will save for another blog), but I always feel like there's more to learn. In short: Don't hold back!

UPDATE:

Taking all of your wonderful comments into account (Best. Feedback. Ever!) I have revised. Here is the new draft. I'll leave the old one below so new visitors can see.

NEW DRAFT:

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds.

Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to Estridia by Varrick, her “cool uncle” that is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. Like how did he hide the fact that she has a twin sister from her? And where is she?

The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebel Cahirans. They intend on killing the four girls and then sacrificing Ariana in a ritual meant to steal her power. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

 

OLD DRAFT
Dearest Person Reading This,

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo and would call you crazy if you told her that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.

She changes her tone when her foster-home is turned into a nightmare she barely escapes. She is whisked away by Varrick, the warrior blood bound to her for life, and taken to Estridia, the world of her birth. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. The prophecy speaks of five girls and three of these girls come in the form of an older sister and two cousins that Zelene is reunited with, leaving her wondering just who this fifth girl is and where she might be.

The answers leave her shaken. Ariana, the fifth, is Zelene’s twin sister and has been captured by the Cahirans, the enemies of Estridia that intend on sacrificing Ariana in order to gain her power. Unfortunately for them, the four other girls need to be dead for the ritual to work. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
 
Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult (or New Adult depending on who I am submitting to) Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of the Game of Thrones series by George RR Martin and The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged between 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.

Here's hoping,

Mara Valderran

Okay, my intro and outro might be a bit tongue-in-cheek but you get the drift. Before I leave it in your hands, let me address a few of the common problems people point out and get stuck on with my queries:

1. My word count is really high for a new author. You know this, I know this, and I've done my damndest to cut it (I shaved 12k off in the past two weeks! Yay!). Is it a roadblock for me? Sure. But it's one I am painfully aware of. 
2. My query is too long. After seeing my WC are you surprised? Yeah, I wasn't either. I like my words. This point, by all means get stuck on. I've tried condensing and cutting but that seems to make it too confusing. Condensing and being sparse with my words is obviously not a strong point for me as a writer. See how long this paragraph is already? Geez.
3. What kind of power/magic they have. I've tried to answer this with the whole "manipulating the elements" thing, but short of explaining their whole magic system I'm not sure I could make it any clearer than: A) They can control the elements a la Captain Planet; and B) These girls are much more powerful than anyone else. If those two points aren't clear, I really need to know. 

That's pretty much it for my preemptive...well, whatever this was. Now that I've said all of that, please note: I don't think my query is perfect and I give you leave to tear it apart in whatever way you can in the hopes of making it better. I just wanted to cover some points of confusion I've run into a few times.

Why I Both Love and Hate the Month of October

There are the usual reasons why I both love and hate the month of October. I love Halloween, but hate trying to fit into any of the cute Halloween costumes for fear of looking like a stuffed sausage. Being in the hot-as-Hades South, I love the change in weather as it begins to actually feel like fall but hate that I always seem to get sick when that happens (completely feel that coming on, by the way).

But there's more now that I have delved into the World Wide Writing Web with a finished manuscript. I have only been in the WWWW since the summer, but I am finding that October is a very exciting literary month for the unpublished such as myself. Here are a few reasons why:

1. GUTGAA is still going on and is now in the final contest--the Small Press Pitch Contest. Editors from Sapphire Star, Bell Bridge Books, Entangled Publishing, and many more will be browsing the finalists' entries and hopefully asking for more. I've made it into the first round with a completely revised query and judging starts tomorrow! I will probably be posting about everything I learned after all is said and done next week.

2. Over at New Adult Alley, they are going to be doing their Editor in the Alley Pitch Contest starting October 3rd. Since I believe my MS is most definitely NA, I am VERY excited about this. The editor is from Entangled Publishing, so I'm not sure my MS fits with them but it is still bound to be a great learning experience even if nothing more comes of it. Needless to say, I am entering and hope to get in.

3. The clever minds over at Writer Therapy are holding a first page contest. Submissions are now closed (Yes, I entered) and finalists are going to be announced this week. I like my first page (especially since I submitted the first page to chapter one and not the prologue--another lesson learned with GUTGAA I will get to next week). Now I just hope they like my first page.

And last but not least....

4. Harper Voyager is officially--as of this moment while I am typing this and not watching the Writer Therapy webisodes (gah, they make me want a critique group)--accepted unsolicited manuscripts for their digital press series thingy that they do. They'll be accepting submissions from October 1st (NOW!) to October 14th. Do I plan to submit? A big hell yes to that! I have a finished manuscript that I am currently repolishing and since it is digital press, their word count allowance seems to be a bit higher. Mine is still much higher than that, but I'm working on it and crossing my fingers that they won't turn it down based on that.

So how could any of this possibly be bad? I thought you might ask (or the announcer guy in my head might). Well, none of them are really. Just anxiety inducing. Let's go through the list one by one.

1. Querying is a pain. All writers know this. Querying an epic fantasy is a HUGE pain since you need to do it in around 250 words. I gave up on counting my words and just tried to keep the new query crisp and concise while leaving the reader scratching their head as little as possible. I'm still not sure I accomplished this though and never feel like my query does my MS justice. One of my biggest issues with it? I had to pick one character to tell the story from in the query when their are really five with equally important stories. Pretty sure working on this query has given me an ulcer.

2. See number one. Also, I will add that since I am submitting to editors, I had to prep a synopsis. If you are a writer, you understand. Synopses come in a close second to queries on the writerly pain in the ass scale. Oh, and I just finished said synopsis. (Special thanks to Lindsey for critiquing it for me!) Fairly certain my query-ulcer now has a twin in the form of synopsis-ulcer.

3. This one isn't really all that stressful, to be honest. I'm pretty satisfied with my first page and have gotten some pretty good feedback on it so far in GUTGAA. Crossing my fingers to get in!

4. Did you see the part where I said I am still re-polishing my manuscript? I have a copy editor that I refer to as the word-cutter extraordinaire when speaking about her (Stephanie, you rock) but unfortunately volunteer copy editors have their own lives to contend with. She's given me some great insight in her feedback so far and I am trying to apply it to the rest of the MS to cut the words down some. But there's still no way I'm going to finish in the next day or so seeing as how I am only on chapter fourteen of twenty nine. I'm working off a hard copy (I edit better that way), so I still have to apply these fresh edits to the digital MS. Makes me glad I am off work tomorrow.

In summary: Hey, is that an ulcer party in my stomach or is it just the month of October?

The Unofficial GUTGAA Small Press Query Hop

Some of us intending to enter the Small Press Pitch Contest are partaking in another blog hop for the purposes of critiquing one another's queries. So here is mine! (By the way, it's also the one I am planning on sending out to an agent if I can cut it back a bit. With my personalized "Why I chose you" paragraph it runs at 416 words!)

Edit with completely brand spanking new version that puts Zelene--who is really the hero of the story so far--in the limelight a lot more. Trying to incorporate all of the critiques I have gotten so far. You guys are more amazing than I can say (and for a writer who loves her words that is something, isn't it?) and I would be completely lost at this without you guys! Thank you and keep the critiques coming!

New Version:

Dear Small Press Goddess,

Prophecies are no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo, as Zelene would say. She likes to remind people that Y2K came and went without the world ending, and, yes, the world will continue to spin after the Mayan calendar ends. She does not realize she is part of an ancient prophesy of five girls born into a powerful bloodline that would bring about the end of a generations-long power struggle among worlds. She is not even aware of worlds beyond this one.

Zelene learns of the destiny the prophecy demands of her and the family she was separated from as an infant when she is ripped from the world she has known her whole life and dragged back to the one of her birth. She is reunited one by one with the other three girls but she finds that the twin sister she has never met is notably absent. Ariana has been captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her in order to gain her powers and Zelene can’t help but shudder at how easily she could have ended up in Ariana’s shoes. When she questions the lack of rescue efforts, she receives what she refers to as a verbal pat on the head from the elders. They tell her to focus on learning the ways of their world and how to tap into her own magic, but Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

Zelene realizes what is at stake. She knows that without Ariana as the fifth, the foretold peace and healing of the worlds cannot come to pass, and the war will spill over into the world she has known as home. She knows she has to find a way to ignite the power locked within herself to save Ariana, or she risks leaving the fates of millions to a vague prophecy and the arcane politics that brought about the war in the first place.

HEIRS OF WAR is an adult [or new adult depending who I am querying] fantasy novel complete at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.


Old Version:

Dear Small Press Goddess,

Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist marks her as the foretold fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds and the key to an ancient prophecy.

Ariana leads a normal life for a girl on the cusp of adulthood; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that sounds like the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.

Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene returns to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail, leaving the worlds to be ripped apart by war. Thrown into an unfamiliar world full of magical races of people and politics they don't understand, they must find a way to ignite the powers within them and decide whether or not to rescue their missing sister on their own or leave it all to fate and vague prophecies. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?

HEIRS OF WAR is an adult fantasy novel at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, suspense, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.

Tag! The Next Big Thing!

GUTGAA has been so amazing and it is only the second week! Why is it so amazing? Because I've met some awesome people and think I finally get Twitter. That being said, these wonderful new connections have led me to be tagged by the wonderful Jadzia (what an awesome name, right?) for The Next Big Thing! So...on with the questions!

What is the title of your book?
Heirs of War, Prophecy Ordained. Heirs of War is the series title.

Where did the idea come from?
Wowzers...it was almost ten years ago when this idea first came into fruition in my writerly head. I wanted to create a story about the spiritual relationship I shared with some of my family members as we all began to explore Paganism as a religion. It's more about the spiritual bond we all seemed to share at that exact moment in our lives--we were all so in sync that we seemed to represent each side of the pentacle (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit). Then I came up with the prophecy and it all sort of blossomed from there. I put the story aside for a good five years because it just wasn't flowing right and the characters didn't feel right and then last year I picked it back up, made some massive changes, and it all came together. Like magic.

What genre does your book fall under?
I was marketing it as Young Adult, but honestly I feel like New Adult Epic Fantasy works better. Why? Because these girls are going through a serious transition in their lives from being essentially carefree teens to literally having the weight of the worlds dropped onto their shoulders. They aren't kids anymore. They are growing into adults. They have responsibilities. And they don't just rise to the occasion--that sort of maturity and growth doesn't come overnight. It is a challenge and that is the heart of the books is watching these girls as they grow into their leadership roles. Also, age comes into play. While the twins are seventeen (almost eighteen) when the story starts, the other girls are older. Rhaya is 19. Isauria is 20. Terrena is 24. And by the end of the series I think the twins will actually be around 20. Haven't mapped to book five yet, so don't quote me on that. :)

What actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie?
Picture time! This is actually part of my process. I "cast" the characters in my head and tweak the descriptions of the actors as needed to fit the characters better. I have a pretty big cast list (which you can view on my Pinterest account) but I am going to stick to just the people introduced in the chapters I posted on my blog.

Query Draft #3487

Not really, but sometimes it feels like it. I decided that due to my high word count and the fact that my MC's ages range between 17 and 24, I am going to tailor my query to the New Adult category rather than Young Adult. I know, I know, some agents don't accept NA as a category yet but luckily for me there's at least one at GUTGAA that does. So what do I need from my dozen or so readers? I need you guys to crit this new draft with a quickness. Because unless I am mistaken, the GUTGAA Pitch Contest entries start at 11am tomorrow. Which means I have tonight to get this new draft into better shape.

*gulp*

I opened up comments so that anyone can post their thoughts, even if you don't have a blog or Google ID. I know this was a problem for some people before. Let me know what you think of the new draft and the first 150 words that are not the prologue.

Things I changed:

• I tried to condense it more since it was a bit on the long side. However, now I feel like it is too vague.
• I tried to tighten up the first paragraph.
• I replaced the first 150 words with Chapter One instead of the Prologue.
• I tried to make it more obvious that Zelene is also a MC and not just random pronoun thrown at the reader.
• I tried to add a bit more about why the bad guys have the right ideas but wrong methods. 
• I took out the bit about the girls finding a way to come into their own power and rescue Ariana before time runs out. 
• No prologue since apparently they are the devil.

Dear (Agent),

Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Seventeen Magazine. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist mark her as the fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds foretold in an ancient prophecy. 

Ariana leads a normal life for a seventeen year old; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that belongs in the plot of the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.

Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene is taken back to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five, but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?

HEIRS OF WAR, PROPHECY ORDAINED is a new adult fantasy novel with elements of suspense, action, political intrigue, and romance. Fans of the SWORD OF TRUTH series might also enjoy HEIRS OF WAR, PROPHECY ORDAINED.

 
Thank you for your time and consideration with this project.

First 150:

The football stadium was still littered with kids when Varrick got there. His chest lifted as he sucked in a breath and suppressed a growl at the same time. This part of his job always frustrated him. He understood that Ariana was seventeen and therefore entitled to a certain amount of angst, but he hated having to deal with it. They had bigger problems to deal with. Of course, she was blissfully ignorant of them.

He scanned the stadium through his dark sunglasses, trying to assess where she would be. A group of girls were running on the track that encircled the grass of the stadium, ponytails bouncing as they chatted with one another. When he noticed the cheerleaders edging the track, he knew where she would be and marched over.

He cocked a brow as the girls began chanting in time with their moves. Sure enough, directly in front of them in the stands stood Ariana with camera in hand, snapping away pictures.

Writing is Hard...Writing Queries is Harder

As Gearing Up to Get an Agent Blogfest and Pitch Contest starts (see cool looking icon to the right of your screen), I am once again asking myself the same question...

How do you write a clear and concise query letter about a MS that is YA (potentially New Adult) epic fantasy with five main characters? Oh, and it also happens to only be the first of a five book series. Not a potential series. A definite series. As in, there's really no way the reader would finish this book and say "Ah, this story is over."

The answer so far? *headdesk*

I've stripped my query down as far as I think it can go. Problem with that? The assumption is that since it is YA, there's one main character (Ariana) and that the stuff in the query about Zelene (her twin and one of the co-main characters) is just filler. It's not. Ariana and Zelene take center stage of this book, so I gave them the focus of the query and didn't name the other three girls that are ALSO main characters. I can't strip the query of Zelene because Ariana's story literally depends on Zelene. The same goes for the reverse. Also, my word count is too high. Which I know and am working on, but still. I doubt there's any way I'll be able to cut it from 146k down to 70k.

I'm thinking maybe I need to rework the query as New Adult for the Pitch Contest. Then maybe I can throw in some more about the political intrigue, which I left out when tailoring it to be YA. I know a lot of people say agents don't accept New Adult yet, but it might be worth it to try.  It's certainly better than banging my head against the desk.

GUTGAA Meet and Greet!

I am very excited to be participating in the 2012 Gearing Up To Get An Agent blogfest and pitch contest! Our first task is to get to know some fellow participants, which might be the most exciting part for me. I am only now foraying into the writerly community, and I completely geek out at the connections I've made with other writers. So without further blabbery, I will get on with the questions Deana posted for us!

Writerly Lessons: What I Learned This Week

As I mentioned in my other blog post, I attended WriteOnCon for the first time this past week. I have also had a really eventful non-writerly week as life is taking off in full force the week before classes begin again. So I will be brief so that I can get some time in to actually write today. Stay tuned for the end for a special little announcement!

Lessons I Learned This Week: