The Haunted Writing Clinic (Take 3)

Time for another query update! I'm going to jump straight into the query and then hit the notes of my changes after. Thank you for all of your help! You guys have been awesome!

Okay, after Jessy's comments I decided to revise again:




Zelene doesn't believe in magic or prophecies. When she's told that she is part of the prophecy that foretells five powerful girls bringing peace to the war-torn worlds, she scoffs. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.

Yet, she can't argue with what her own eyes have seen. Strange men had tried to kill her using magic and now she finds herself in a new world. Varrick, the warrior blood-bound to her for life, brings her before the elders of her homeworld. For every explanation they give her she is only left with more questions. And the burning desire to take the crown she supposedly inherited and shove it somewhere Varrick wouldn’t appreciate. When she learns that her long-lost twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels, Zelene’s tantrums are brought to a halt.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to run away from the responsibilities thrust on her young shoulders. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k with series potential that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.


Old Version:

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her homeworld by her guardian Varrick, who is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every explanation he gives her she is only left with more questions, like how he managed to hide a twin sister from her and where this supposed twin is. The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebels. Content that Zelene is safe, the elders tell her to focus on her training and let them worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. She’s not sure how she is supposed to go against an army of magic-wielding rebels when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her. But she doesn’t think she can really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place. With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross-over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.

Notes:

1. I kept the line about the ages in because the twins are actually 18 and I'm a little worried about marketing it as adult and then being told "No, this is really YA" I'm open to discussions on this line of thought though since I am by no means an expert.

2. I took out all of the questions and rephrased them as her thoughts. They feel a little jumbled now. Much like my thoughts usually are. =D

3. I kept the last bits in there because without them...well, the query sort of just ends. I've had mixed reviews over it, so I am really hoping to hear more thoughts on it. I don't want to give too much away with the story, but this decision is sort of a catalyst for a lot of things that bleed over into the next book (it's already written). So that's why I refer to it as the climax. It is really the start of Zelene's journey. Deciding to go after her sister is half the battle.

4. I took out Estridia and Cahira. Does it still make sense?

5. I'm a little stuck on the intro. She finds out about the prophecy after she is attacked, so even as it is the events are still out of order. The point of the intro is to establish her voice and character. If believing horoscopes is beyond her realm of thinking then believing in a prophecy is going to be even worse, ya know? That's the point I'm trying to get across (but failing I think).

6. Nitpicky, maybe, but I'm not happy with the fact that I start two sentences with the word "But". Did it throw you too?

Okay, I think those are all of my thoughts. Now tell me yours! =D

The Haunted Writing Clinic (Take 2!)

Man, what a rush! I have so many wonderful people commenting on my query both from the Haunted Writing Clinic and just from other connections I've made. To say that I am grinning ear to ear is an understatement. You guys rock!

And I am listening to what you are saying! :) I've got a new draft cooked up and ready to go for you guys! Let me know what you think!

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to her homeworld of Estridia by Varrick, her “cool uncle” that is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. Like how did he hide the fact that she has a twin sister? And where is she? The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebel Cahirans. They intend on killing the four girls and then sacrificing Ariana in a ritual meant to steal her power. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult (or New Adult depending on who I am submitting to) Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of the Game of Thrones series by George RR Martin and The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged between 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.  

The Unofficial GUTGAA Small Press Query Hop

Some of us intending to enter the Small Press Pitch Contest are partaking in another blog hop for the purposes of critiquing one another's queries. So here is mine! (By the way, it's also the one I am planning on sending out to an agent if I can cut it back a bit. With my personalized "Why I chose you" paragraph it runs at 416 words!)

Edit with completely brand spanking new version that puts Zelene--who is really the hero of the story so far--in the limelight a lot more. Trying to incorporate all of the critiques I have gotten so far. You guys are more amazing than I can say (and for a writer who loves her words that is something, isn't it?) and I would be completely lost at this without you guys! Thank you and keep the critiques coming!

New Version:

Dear Small Press Goddess,

Prophecies are no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo, as Zelene would say. She likes to remind people that Y2K came and went without the world ending, and, yes, the world will continue to spin after the Mayan calendar ends. She does not realize she is part of an ancient prophesy of five girls born into a powerful bloodline that would bring about the end of a generations-long power struggle among worlds. She is not even aware of worlds beyond this one.

Zelene learns of the destiny the prophecy demands of her and the family she was separated from as an infant when she is ripped from the world she has known her whole life and dragged back to the one of her birth. She is reunited one by one with the other three girls but she finds that the twin sister she has never met is notably absent. Ariana has been captured by enemies intent on sacrificing her in order to gain her powers and Zelene can’t help but shudder at how easily she could have ended up in Ariana’s shoes. When she questions the lack of rescue efforts, she receives what she refers to as a verbal pat on the head from the elders. They tell her to focus on learning the ways of their world and how to tap into her own magic, but Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

Zelene realizes what is at stake. She knows that without Ariana as the fifth, the foretold peace and healing of the worlds cannot come to pass, and the war will spill over into the world she has known as home. She knows she has to find a way to ignite the power locked within herself to save Ariana, or she risks leaving the fates of millions to a vague prophecy and the arcane politics that brought about the war in the first place.

HEIRS OF WAR is an adult [or new adult depending who I am querying] fantasy novel complete at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.


Old Version:

Dear Small Press Goddess,

Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist marks her as the foretold fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds and the key to an ancient prophecy.

Ariana leads a normal life for a girl on the cusp of adulthood; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that sounds like the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.

Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene returns to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail, leaving the worlds to be ripped apart by war. Thrown into an unfamiliar world full of magical races of people and politics they don't understand, they must find a way to ignite the powers within them and decide whether or not to rescue their missing sister on their own or leave it all to fate and vague prophecies. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?

HEIRS OF WAR is an adult fantasy novel at 146k that has elements of political intrigue, suspense, action, and romance comparable to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.

Query Draft #3487

Not really, but sometimes it feels like it. I decided that due to my high word count and the fact that my MC's ages range between 17 and 24, I am going to tailor my query to the New Adult category rather than Young Adult. I know, I know, some agents don't accept NA as a category yet but luckily for me there's at least one at GUTGAA that does. So what do I need from my dozen or so readers? I need you guys to crit this new draft with a quickness. Because unless I am mistaken, the GUTGAA Pitch Contest entries start at 11am tomorrow. Which means I have tonight to get this new draft into better shape.

*gulp*

I opened up comments so that anyone can post their thoughts, even if you don't have a blog or Google ID. I know this was a problem for some people before. Let me know what you think of the new draft and the first 150 words that are not the prologue.

Things I changed:

• I tried to condense it more since it was a bit on the long side. However, now I feel like it is too vague.
• I tried to tighten up the first paragraph.
• I replaced the first 150 words with Chapter One instead of the Prologue.
• I tried to make it more obvious that Zelene is also a MC and not just random pronoun thrown at the reader.
• I tried to add a bit more about why the bad guys have the right ideas but wrong methods. 
• I took out the bit about the girls finding a way to come into their own power and rescue Ariana before time runs out. 
• No prologue since apparently they are the devil.

Dear (Agent),

Prophecies are overrated. Ariana thinks that they are no different than the horoscopes in the back of Seventeen Magazine. She doesn’t realize that the pentacle-shaped birthmark on her wrist mark her as the fifth daughter of the most powerful bloodline in all the worlds foretold in an ancient prophecy. 

Ariana leads a normal life for a seventeen year old; ignorant of the sisters she has been separated from since birth. She has never even crossed paths with her twin sister Zelene. Zelene is quite the opposite of Ariana with a life that belongs in the plot of the most tragic of Lifetime movies. The twins know nothing of Estridia, the world of their birth, or the war that has been raging on for generations that they are destined to end. But they are about to find out.

Ariana is captured by enemies that intend to sacrifice her in order to gain her power and destroy the caste system the worlds follow. Zelene is taken back to Estridia where a loving family welcomes her and she is reunited with the three other girls of her generation. Together they make up the prophesized five, but without Ariana as the fifth they are doomed to fail. But when they find that the good guys are proving to be not so good and the bad guys seem to have the wrong methods but the right ideas, where does that leave them?

HEIRS OF WAR, PROPHECY ORDAINED is a new adult fantasy novel with elements of suspense, action, political intrigue, and romance. Fans of the SWORD OF TRUTH series might also enjoy HEIRS OF WAR, PROPHECY ORDAINED.

 
Thank you for your time and consideration with this project.

First 150:

The football stadium was still littered with kids when Varrick got there. His chest lifted as he sucked in a breath and suppressed a growl at the same time. This part of his job always frustrated him. He understood that Ariana was seventeen and therefore entitled to a certain amount of angst, but he hated having to deal with it. They had bigger problems to deal with. Of course, she was blissfully ignorant of them.

He scanned the stadium through his dark sunglasses, trying to assess where she would be. A group of girls were running on the track that encircled the grass of the stadium, ponytails bouncing as they chatted with one another. When he noticed the cheerleaders edging the track, he knew where she would be and marched over.

He cocked a brow as the girls began chanting in time with their moves. Sure enough, directly in front of them in the stands stood Ariana with camera in hand, snapping away pictures.

GUTGAA Meet and Greet!

I am very excited to be participating in the 2012 Gearing Up To Get An Agent blogfest and pitch contest! Our first task is to get to know some fellow participants, which might be the most exciting part for me. I am only now foraying into the writerly community, and I completely geek out at the connections I've made with other writers. So without further blabbery, I will get on with the questions Deana posted for us!

Writerly Lessons: What I Learned This Week

As I mentioned in my other blog post, I attended WriteOnCon for the first time this past week. I have also had a really eventful non-writerly week as life is taking off in full force the week before classes begin again. So I will be brief so that I can get some time in to actually write today. Stay tuned for the end for a special little announcement!

Lessons I Learned This Week:

Word Count: The New Bane of My Writerly Existence!

A few weeks ago the bane of my writerly existence was synopses, shortly followed by query letters. Now? Well, now it is just word count. You would think that words of any sort--counted or not--would be a writer's best friend. Right? Wrong. At least, not when you are writing something that falls into the Young Adult category and have a word count that is over 70k.

Like, way over 70k. Twice that to be precise.

Writerly Query Experiment

Instead of writing anymore on book three (even though progress is lacking), I have decided to take some time to work on my query letter since I had a stroke of inspiration for it. And since it has been a whole five minutes since I blogged, I thought I would leave it to my wonderful readership to help me decide which to use. Or if I should scrap the entire thing and start fresh. All (polite!) comments are welcome. Except for spam about male enhancements. Or spam in general.

On to the query letters!

The first also happens to be the one that I so boldly (and possibly stupidly) sent out almost two weeks ago to twenty four literary agents. I might owe them apology letters. You guys tell me. I sat down and wrote this, hoping to capture some of my writerly essence in the voice, and then didn't bother to revise much at all.

Writerly Confidence

An odd title for a blog about receiving my first rejection letter, but there it is. Yup--I got my first rejection in today! Let me just start off by saying that I really hate the term "rejection letter" because it has such an obvious negative connotation. Rejections are personal. They are usually synonymous with heartbreak and can lead to some pretty overwhelming feelings of insecurity.

Rejection letters from literary agents are not necessarily personal. They might write you personally, but that's not what I mean. It doesn't mean that they think you are devoid of talent or that they think you are the lamest writer in the world with no hopes of selling your book whatsoever. It just means that they don't think they can sell your book. Maybe it didn't speak to them. Maybe they already have three dozen other YA fantasy novels they are trying to work. Whatever their reasons for rejecting your query, the bottom line is that they didn't think it would be a good fit. And you really have to ask yourself the question: Would I want someone who doesn't really believe in my novel as much as I do trying to sell it? The answer should be a firm "no" possibly with a few expletives for emphasis.

Writerly...Insanity??

Call it insanity, if you will. I call it daring. Okay, maybe daring isn't the right word for what I just did, but I'm not convinced insane is either. Not yet.

Now, friendly readers, you might be asking yourself the obvious question: What the hell did you do already?? I'm not trying to build up dramatic suspense here. It's just a little hard to say out loud (which I tend to do as I type--again with the question of insanity.). So what did I do?

...I queried.