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Monday, October 8, 2012

The Haunted Writing Clinic: The Query

Dun-dun-dunnnn!

I decided to add yet another exciting October writerly activity to the list! Sharon Bayliss is hosting the Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest by Curiosity Quills. As a Minion (I really want a t-shirt that says "Minion" now), it is my duty to post my query for all to see today in the hopes of getting some feedback from the Super Villains and other minions. If you haven't joined up, I would highly recommend it. Week 1 is queries, Week 2 is all about first pages, Week 3 the Super Villains (who are already published authors) pick Minions to mentor, and then on the 31st we submit to the 3 Curiosity Quills editors for their viewing pleasure. Lots of fun!

And now that you know all about the Writing Clinic, it is time for me to participate! Here is my shiny new query, just waiting for the glorious cleaver of Robin Weeks (check out where she sliced and diced my old version--she's a genius and a huge help!) or maybe a new blade will step up to the plate. I've learned a great deal from GUTGAA (which I will save for another blog), but I always feel like there's more to learn. In short: Don't hold back!

UPDATE:

Taking all of your wonderful comments into account (Best. Feedback. Ever!) I have revised. Here is the new draft. I'll leave the old one below so new visitors can see.

NEW DRAFT:



Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Predictions about your love life are almost as ridiculous as the idea that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds.

Almost.

When assassins use magic to try to kill her, she is forced to change her tone. She is taken to Estridia by Varrick, her “cool uncle” that is really a warrior blood bound to her for life. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. Like how did he hide the fact that she has a twin sister from her? And where is she?

The answers leave her shaken. Her twin Ariana has been captured by the rebel Cahirans. They intend on killing the four girls and then sacrificing Ariana in a ritual meant to steal her power. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.
 


OLD DRAFT
Dearest Person Reading This,

Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo and would call you crazy if you told her that she is part of an ancient prophecy that foretells five girls bringing about the end of a generations-long power struggle among the worlds. The idea of other dimensions layered on top of the world she lives in is almost as ludicrous as the idea that she might be able to save them.

She changes her tone when her foster-home is turned into a nightmare she barely escapes. She is whisked away by Varrick, the warrior blood bound to her for life, and taken to Estridia, the world of her birth. For every answer he gives her, she is only left with more questions. The prophecy speaks of five girls and three of these girls come in the form of an older sister and two cousins that Zelene is reunited with, leaving her wondering just who this fifth girl is and where she might be.

The answers leave her shaken. Ariana, the fifth, is Zelene’s twin sister and has been captured by the Cahirans, the enemies of Estridia that intend on sacrificing Ariana in order to gain her power. Unfortunately for them, the four other girls need to be dead for the ritual to work. Safe in Estridia, Zelene is told to focus on her training and let the elders worry about Ariana. But Zelene has never been the best at doing what she is told.

She finds herself torn between her need to save the sister she has never known and her longing to return to the simple life she never appreciated before now. But how is she supposed to go against an army of Cahirans when she finds that her ability to manipulate the elements is still locked within her? And can she really trust the elders to rescue Ariana when it seems their medieval politics are what brought about the war in the first place? With all that is at stake, the answer becomes clear to Zelene.
 

Screw the worlds. She’s getting her sister back.

HEIRS OF WAR is an Adult (or New Adult depending on who I am submitting to) Epic Fantasy at 137k that will appeal to readers of the Game of Thrones series by George RR Martin and The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. With five main characters aged between 18-24, HEIRS OF WAR also has cross over appeal for young adult audiences and potential to be a five-book series.

Here's hoping,

Mara Valderran


Okay, my intro and outro might be a bit tongue-in-cheek but you get the drift. Before I leave it in your hands, let me address a few of the common problems people point out and get stuck on with my queries:
  1. My word count is really high for a new author. You know this, I know this, and I've done my damndest to cut it (I shaved 12k off in the past two weeks! Yay!). Is it a roadblock for me? Sure. But it's one I am painfully aware of. 
  2. My query is too long. After seeing my WC are you surprised? Yeah, I wasn't either. I like my words. This point, by all means get stuck on. I've tried condensing and cutting but that seems to make it too confusing. Condensing and being sparse with my words is obviously not a strong point for me as a writer. See how long this paragraph is already? Geez.
  3. What kind of power/magic they have. I've tried to answer this with the whole "manipulating the elements" thing, but short of explaining their whole magic system I'm not sure I could make it any clearer than: A) They can control the elements a la Captain Planet; and B) These girls are much more powerful than anyone else. If those two points aren't clear, I really need to know. 

That's pretty much it for my preemptive...well, whatever this was. Now that I've said all of that, please note: I don't think my query is perfect and I give you leave to tear it apart in whatever way you can in the hopes of making it better. I just wanted to cover some points of confusion I've run into a few times.


16 comments:

  1. In general, I think the query would benefit if you only gave us the most necessary, intriguing details. For instance, these "four other girls" mentioned in paragraphs 2 & 3: while they might be really important to the plot of the book, they seem like a distracting deadweight to me as a reader of the query. Focus on the *essentials*. Which, in those two paragraphs (as far as I can tell--but of course you know the story and I don't) seems to be that she's taken to another world by Varrick and discovers she has a long-lost sister who needs saving.

    It sounds like you've got a complicated story on your hands, which is a good thing in many ways. It just means that you won't be able to set up every aspect of the plot in a short, snappy query letter. So focus on eliminating anything that isn't absolutely essential to gaining a reader's interest.

    I'm looking at your opener for some more specific editing... I think your first paragraph has a lot of potential. Especially that first sentence. I would suggest:

    1) Make it even more of an attention-grabber by putting a period after "Cosmo" and starting a new sentence. I love the spirit of this first statement--it connects us with the character immediately. :)

    2) Resist the urge to explain (or "tell") in that first paragraph. Try following the bit about her scoffing at horoscopes with a *specific* event she experiences that relates to this other world. (Vague example that probably has nothing to do with your story: "Zelene scoffs at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. But when the incarnation of Pisces kidnaps her one day, scoffing is the last thing she's about to do." Silly perhaps, but do you see what I'm getting at?)

    3) Again, I'm loving the idea and voice you open with, but make sure it's clear how the story relates to horoscopes, etc... Is the setting of Estridia somehow tied up with the zodiac signs? If not, you may want to make it clear that her scoffing at horoscopes is meant to indicate a general rejection of the supernatural, etc... (example: say she scoffs at horoscopes /and/ fantasy novels, or something similar)


    Sorry if the super-long comment was overwhelming! The fact that I found stuff to comment on doesn't mean you're not close. You've already distilled your plot considerably, which I think is the hardest part! I hope some of this helps.

    Btw, I'm excited to see how much your blog has grown since WriteOnCon. :)

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    Replies
    1. Ohmygosh that is the longest comment I've ever written in my life. I'm so sorry....

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    2. Haha but it was an awesome comment with some great tips! Which I plan to apply after I study for this test. And yay for growing since WriteOnCon! I think I might finally have the hang of this blogging thang. =D

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    3. Darn, Susan got to it all first. Yeah, in full agreement here.

      By the way, I can relate to the long WC, I'm trying to do a query for a 192k story where the MCs aren't human.

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    4. lol I'm glad you're still speaking to me, Mara. That was a huge comment. *covers face in shame* ;) Good luck on your test!

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  2. Wow! Sounds awesome! IT really does! My 2 cents are only suggestions, so take them with a grain of salt:)

    Firstly, the query is a little long. I know it's hard to know what to cut out, but it can be done without cutting the important parts out.

    Second, some of your sentences may have more of an impact if they were shorter. I think Susan suggested that already.

    Your voice sounds amazing and I wish you the bestest of wishes this month!

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  3. Maybe I can help with that. Some of these sentences have really great style. Cut out all the rest of them. You don't need to summarize the whole book. Just the main character and the conflict. The rest should all be description, dialogue, or anything with voice which will draw the editor in.

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  4. Mara,

    Minion here, great story.

    Wishing you all good today, looks like you're almost there!

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  5. OK, Susan and the other previous commenters have said it all, so I just want to cheer you on and say again that I love the concept of your book. Best of luck with the query! :)

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  6. Hi, another minion here. I think you got great advice. I would agree that it's a bit wordy and the abundance of proper nouns is daunting. There seems to be plenty of conflict with high stakes so that's all good. Voice is there, also good. Just needs some editing and you're there. EAsy for me to say, eh?

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  7. You guys are so amazing, I don't have words. I've updated to my new draft, so let me know what you think. Also, I have the entire day off so be expecting a visit from me, fellow minions!

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  8. Hi Mara, I think you've made some great changes! I really like the way the query starts. Good voice. I think I'd like a touch more world-building. What is Estridia? Is this a magical alternate world? Just a little clue as to the world you've created would be great.

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  9. I really like this query, though I can see where some might think it's a bit on the long side. As the daughter of an English teacher, this line stood out to me: "Like how did he hide the fact that she has a twin sister from her?" That phrasing just seems a bit clunky and awkward. Maybe you could just take out the "from her" at the end of the sentence.

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  10. Alright, so I love this story. I have since WriteOnCon. You obviously know your query is too long. A good query should be between 250-300 words with personilization. I took the liberty of looking over your query and breaking it down into the five questions a query should answer:
    1.) The starting event of the story
    2.) Conflict that arises from said event
    3.) Complicating factors
    4.) Choice
    5.) Stakes

    I tried to fill them in the best I could with your current query.
    1.) Zelene getting attacked by assasins
    2.) Forced into magical world
    3.) Twin is going to be sacraficed, but she isn't supposed to leave
    4.) Save her unknown sister or do nothing
    5.) Saving her sister results in pressure in the tension between the worlds, not saving her sister ends in the war leader assuming her powers.

    In High Fantasy, I've been told to cut down on the number of proper nouns you use as well (easier said than done, in my opinion.)I've rewritten your query so that it answers all of those questions. This formula has gotten me four request to see my manuscript all on cold queries, so I feel like it works well.

    Query:
    Eighteen year old Zalene has always scoffed at the horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. That is until assassins try to kill her using magic and she is told she is one of five girls foretold to end a generations long war between the worlds. In fear of her life, Zalene is whisked away by her uncle to a land known as Estridia, where she is supposed to believe the wild tales about her importance and learn how to use elemental magic she didn’t even know existed.

    Zelene hadn't been Estridia long when she learns that the five girls in the prophecy are her sisters, and her twin is being offered up as a sacrifice to a power hungry war leader. She is torn between aiding her unknown sister or keeping her promise to stay in Estridia. There seems to be no good choice. Helping her sister might force the brewing tension between the worlds into an all-out war. Doing nothing could result in the war leader gaining her sisters power and leading his army on the worlds.

    Obviously it needs more of Zelene's voice. I've left enough room in the query meat (which comes in at about 180 words) for you to change the sentence sructure so it sounds more like Zelene. I think your bio/personalization part is excellent. I hope this has helped some! Good luck and let me know what you think :)

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    Replies
    1. Also, I might add a line right after the prophacy bit that is in Zelene's voice like "and she thought her horoscope telling her red was her power color was bad." Obviously more awesome :)

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  11. I love the concept of your story, am amazed by how much you have going on in your manuscript, and the enthusiasm in your pitch. I'm jealous of your last two sentences.

    While I'm not an expert, I do think it's really wordy, but I don't think it would take much to cut it down. For example, instead of "She changes her tone when her foster-home is turned into a nightmare she barely escapes. She is whisked away by Varrick, the warrior blood bound to her for life, and taken to Estridia, the world of her birth." Maybe you could try something like Her attitude changes when Varrick, the warrior blood bound to her for life, whisks her to Estridia, the world of her birth. That takes that section from 38 words to 22. There's a few other places that could also be streamlined.

    Good luck. By the way, I love your blog's background.

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